Verse
I don't write poems often, but there are a few I feel I should share.
Yellow
Someone told me once
That my freckles show when I'm happy
And since I met you
They're all I notice
Right on the bridge of my nose.
Like little remnants of you.
You drew the blinds
Little spots of sun
Dancing across your skin
The remnants of a star
Blossoming right under your eyelashes.
There's a field in the summer
With a sky freckled with stars
And a treeline singing
Notes of fireflies
And then I see them-
On the bridge of my nose
Just barely waking up-
A mini universe
That you shared with me.
You make me happy.
I'm Trying I Swear
I strapped an anchor to my ankles,
Blindly- eyes closed.
Lines get tangled,
Tongue mangled.
Why can't I handle these weights?
Makeup just bait for later debates.
Concentrate.
Smile, sign my name to these petty games,
Pretending I'm more than this-
More than a kiss
More than a flaker
More than an ember.
I want to catch fire,
But there are other dire, higher signals of smoke.
So I choke, I cough, I break it off,
And I slip back down
No sound as I drown
In my own stupid pity
In a little city of loneliness,
Of brokenness.
I just want a sense of closeness.
There's only up from here, dear
Constantly beating through my ears.
So I pick up my pieces
Find releases and hope-
Not for an again
But for a new end.
None like this,
With empty men,
No button for send,
No hands to lend.
There's only forward, no looking back
But I wait for its attack
For this life to crash-
Hand me my sash
For Misunderstood
For Misconstrued
For Misheard.
Because hearts burn and yearn
But mine just hums,
As its always done.
So I wait for its attack.
It's moonlight it needs
And in it sweeps,
Cold winter breeze.
Breathe.
I recite.
Breathe.
Ignite a light
This life is a fight
For a smile,
No crocodile tears here-
Only hidden fears
Of this pain not so sharp
But dark and deep
Like paint it seeps-
Dyeing my skin and eyes
Vying for my demise
Blurring colors
Confusing my mother.
So I write to think.
Create to speak.
Poetically, and quietly.
But still just as violently.
A Bad Self-Portrait
I'm letting the line go again.
Turning my back again.
You know those drawings?
The ones where you stare
Only at the subject's face.
Imagine the page bare.
Don't pick up the pen,
Or you'll have to start again.
Let it touch the page,
Map his face,
Know every trait,
Slow to trace
Every back road home
Every curve
Every bone.
Suddenly you're alone. With him.
Lift the pen and you're alone again.
Screaming behind the wheel again.
Headlights off again.
Jeopardizing everything-
Everyone again.
Do you know those drawings?
Where the ends never connect.
Just abandoned
An incident
Where the finished product
Looks like the jacked-up knock off-
A lost Romanov
The scrambled face of Chekhov-
An attempt at understanding,
At capturing,
At aiding
These breaking humans
With their lies and suicides
And heartbreaks and This is fates
Ugly little fakes
Since you could never afford
The real make and model-
Fondle me.
No,
Handle me gently. Please.
I am scared of those jumbled faces
Of their bleak places and alluded stasis
I'm too weak to pick up the pen
Because I'm terrified that these ends
Will never connect-
My Own Picasso
Can't say I didn't see the flashing lights
Told me to slow down,
Warned me to catch my breath.
I was just too caught up,
In this dream of mine,
This twisted scheme of my death.
Your reassuring tightening around my waist
Holding me in,
Keeping me safe.
You hit the breaks when I couldn't see
Blinded, by all that was me.
Hold on, a little bit longer now.
You'll see the starts brighter soon.
Hold on, you've made it this far somehow.
But don't look for me.
Don't wait for me.
You painted over the cracks in my walls,
Beautifying all of my flaws.
Jackhammers outside our window
Beating down, creating ripples.
Starting to feel the effects of the alcohol
Dripping through
And I could
Hear the words you whispered
As I broke apart too.
No Line
Cold toes.
Cold nose.
Cold no's.
Heavy eyes sinking into my skull
Looking further more, for more
More excuses
More over-uses
Of the word hurt.
I hurt.
Skin stings.
Eyes burn.
Everything rings a bell-
The breeze from up a well
I've fallen down before.
I can't write like I used to.
My hurt doesn't feel like it used to.
Scratch this out.
Etch out that.
These marks on my skin, my fat
Are from my inabilities-
Like prayer stones
Praying for facilities
For civilities
For the revival of nobility
For a real sense of stability.
If the scars fade have the gods heard my pleas?
Father Socrates,
Allusive and fleeting thoughts.
Identify.
Father Socrates.
Will I fade into someone else's creations?
Consistent installations of me
In every scene-
In the drunkard's rambled writings,
The disillusioned musician's melody,
The artists cracking pooled ink.
Why can't I think straight?
Kitchen sink blonde- at that.
I retreat to the same bad rhymes.
I can't write like I used to
When my hurt doesn't glow like it used to-
Don't misread my words
Give me turn
To voice a concern:
I can't be alone
In feeling disgraced
Misplaced
Handed a drink well-laced.
I can't be alone-
You're too pretty!
Such a pity...
How could a face like that go to waste?
I can't be alone-
A fast paced world
Forgetting we were just girls
Like when it happened, it made us women.
Bullshit.
We're all bitten by the same demon-
Some beaten
Some scared of the word semen
For fear that it might deepen the wound.
And if it does?
Our own government attempting treason
Against our bodies
Teeming with trauma.
But every girl should want to be a momma.
Of the night
That causes our bodies to convulse?
Our bones ache.
Our skin weeps.
Delving back to the retreat of sheets
That too can snag our feet
Over hidden reefs-
Streaks of struggle
And nowhere for us to huddle.
I can't look my father in the eye
Because I don't want him to see a pain
Calling the name
Of a boy he'll never see.
The boy who started the undoing of me.
Some days I can breathe steady.
And others
I claw at my skin-
Muddied.
Ugly.
But you're so pretty.
I take photos of myself
To stash on a shelf
For a rainy afternoon
When all I see is you
On your phone
On that damn bed
Forced me to give you-
You can't even look up as I leave.
And I'll retreat back to similar sheets.
Naive, fading sweets
Folding into bitter wine.
Why try?
This is it, right?
Painful.
Detached.
I'm coming unclasped.
Unclasping-
Struggling-
Need a hand?
It's what I'm good for.
You're so pretty.
But you never thought I was.
Drunk.
Prude.
Apparently needed a boost,
Led me to a dark room.
You. On the bed.
Why didn't you just give up?
I was your last pick-
And I was a prude bitch.
That's your no.
Not a challenge.
How can I feel beautiful
When I see my big blue eyes
My best feature
Swollen shut?
How can I feel beautiful
When I see the splotches-
When the makeup comes off
Where I've rubbed and scratched raw
To get you out of my head
Off of my face.
Disgraced.
I can't be alone-
What a pity you think like this,
In broken verse,
A story clearly rehearsed.
But how can I speak new thoughts
When
The memory of you
On the bed
Never raised your head
Purple beaded neck
lace
Mom told me I'm not worthless
I'll never enjoy this
Is this what sex is
Just be a little reckless
Strangers on my guest list
I stayed in his guest room
I can't keep my hands off you
He's a fucking writer too
Drinks and smoke and bathrooms
Guest room- bathroom mirror
Are my eyes missing from fear, or-
He's turning the bathroom doorknob
Why didn't you tell the cops?
Didn't you tell your pops?
I'm so sorry, Mom
I didn't scream, Mom
I never said no, Mom
How would he know, Mom
I sent him an email at his job though
Kissed him on my tip-toes
Find the calm before the storm
Never let a man get bored
Dead floating board on my back
He never attacked me
But tricked me
Scripted me
Left his god-damned name on me
Jesting and plaguing my watermark
Never look up as I depart
Not worthy of a man's heart
If I'm not worthy of a man's look
Look at me with those pretty eyes
Tell myself I'm fine.
It's fine.
My friends will be fine.
My sisters will be fine.
My daughters will be fine.
Because there's a no line, right?
So that'll keep us safe, right?
I didn't fight anything-
I don't remember mentioning-
I wasn't comprehending-
But there's a no line.
So I'm the one to blame, right?
Because though I was drugged
And-
I never said no, right?
Right?
Keeps running through my head.